Jokes 04

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."

A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.

He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.

A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.

IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... LAWS:
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
- Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.





A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"

Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?Because men won't stop for directions!


Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.One boy said, "My father is better than your father."The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."The first boy paused and then replied, "I guess you're right.My father says the same thing."


A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."


What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ? "Pack your trunk and clear out !"

Safety Tip:Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive


Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one question." "Very good," replied her mother, "I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees." "It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna."



School Principal: I've called you into my office, Peter, because I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn't use so often. One is "great" and the other is "lousy." Peter: Certainly, sir. What are they?



PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Jokes 03

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. What are you -- stupid?



What dessert doesn't Puff Daddy/P. Diddy eat any more?
Jello (j-Lo)



Want to hear two blonde jokes?
Listen to Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.

Q: What do you call counterfeited German currency?

A: Question marks

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

A man had to choose one of his three girlfriends to marry. He decided to give each one $5,000 and see how they spent it.

The first one got a makeover with the money. She told the man, "I spent the money to look prettier for you because I love you so much."

The second one bought new golf clubs and a television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much."

The third one invested the money in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned the $5000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. He finally decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll?

A: All Ken's stuff.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.

"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."

"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f**king Goofy."

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"

Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?"

She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.

The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

A man arrives back home after Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. The little girl says, "Daddy, why do you call your assistant a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, it's a term of affection. She's very hard-working, and Daddy appreciates her efficiency."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closes her eyes when you lay her across your desk."

Quotes 03

Happiness consists not in having much, but in being content with little.
                                 Marguerite Gardiner




I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
                            Ernest Hemingway 




Although Freud said happiness is composed of love and work, reality often forces us to choose love or work.
                             Letty Cottin Pogrebin 




Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.
                              Horace 

I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.

                             Ernest Hemingway 

Undeservedly you will atone for the sins of your fathers.
                            Horace 



There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
                            Homer 



Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another.
                           Homer 



All human actions have one or more of these seven causes: chance, nature, compulsions, habit, reason, passion, desire.
                          Aristotle 



To bring anything into your life, imagine that it's already there.
                         Richard Bach 



I gave my life to become the person I am right now. Was it worth it?
                        Richard Bach

Quotes 02

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
                              Ralph Waldo Emerson 




All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
                             Winston Churchill 




Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.
                            Winston Churchill 



Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
                           Mark Twain 



The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
                                  Mark Twain 




The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.
                                 Mark Twain 




Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need.
                                 Khalil Gibran 





When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don't adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.
                                 Confucius 






If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
                               Abraham Maslow 





You have to find out what's right for you, so it's trial and error. You are going to be all right if you accept realistic goals for yourself.
                               Teri Garr 

Jokes 02

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
"Excuse me, but if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease," says the waiter.
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"



In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"



Did you hear about the theft at the Viagra factory?
The police are looking for some hardened criminals!



A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?

A: "I'm soooo drunk."

So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon the 3rd customer walks in.

The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter my bar and I'm going to name it after you.”

“Okay,” she says, “my name is Jill.”

The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the bar 'Jill's Legs'”

The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's doing. He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psycho path.

What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy? 

A Dry Martinez!

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkeyboy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkeyboy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkeyboy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

Jokes 01

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.



Bill Gates goes to purgatory.
St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.
Bill chooses Hell.
About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.
Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"
St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.

A man sits next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. He asks her what kind of men she is interested in. Her top three choices are American Indian men, Jewish men and Southern men. The woman asks the man what his name is.
He smiles, "Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

What's German for 'virgin'?

Goesintight.

What is the word 'non-virgin' in German? 

Brokenhymen

Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
People were confused about which side to spit on.

Q: How do you sink a Polish ship?

A: Put it in water.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.



Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned? 
They were riverdancing.

Quotes 01

Some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

                              William Shakespeare 

Logic will get you from A to B. Imagination will take you everywhere.

                              Albert Einstein 




I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
                            Winston Churchill 



The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
                             Mark Twain 




I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.
                                    Khalil Gibran 



If you're going through hell, keep going.
                             Winston Churchill

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

                          William Shakespeare 

I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.

                      Georgia O'Keeffe 



It's better to hang out with people better than you. Pick out associates whose behavior is better than yours and you'll drift in that direction.
                            Warren Buffett