A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car.
He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40.
A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... LAWS:
- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
- Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
- Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance."
A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"
The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you."
"Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"
Why does it take 100 sperm to fertilize 1 egg?Because men won't stop for directions!
Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.One boy said, "My father is better than your father."The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."The first boy paused and then replied, "I guess you're right.My father says the same thing."
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
What did the hotel manager say to the elephant that couldn't pay his bill ? "Pack your trunk and clear out !"
Safety Tip:Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive
Sarah was a curious thirteen year old girl. "Mommy," she said, "I'd like you to answer one question." "Very good," replied her mother, "I was wondering when you would become curious about birds, flowers and bees." "It's not that," said the girl. "I know all about screwing. What I would like to know is how to make lasagna."
School Principal: I've called you into my office, Peter, because I want to talk to you about two words I wish you wouldn't use so often. One is "great" and the other is "lousy." Peter: Certainly, sir. What are they?
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
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